Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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