I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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