Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
