i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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