Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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