Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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