my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
