Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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