we're chasing vodka with high fives
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
