I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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