Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
