What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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