smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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