he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
