obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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