I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
