Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
