They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
