In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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