I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize
