Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
