Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
