if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i think i just lost a toe
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
