he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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