guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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