in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
