My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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