I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
