she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
