Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
