my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
