thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
