Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
