Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
