Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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