What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
