And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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