I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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