I just pynch a tree in the face
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Randomize
