Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
