We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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