he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize