I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
