new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
