my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
