Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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