I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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