saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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