4 words: hood of his car
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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