I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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