Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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