How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
