i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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