she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
