woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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