this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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