Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
